July 31, 2006

Hayes inadvertently became a latch key kid for what seemed like 15 minutes, but was probably closer to 5, when we locked him in the house and us out yesterday. Yes, by the wonders of technology, we were able to lock ourselves out of the house, while keeping Hayes locked in. And boy was it fun!

What followed seemed like a bad movie. We could see the keys in the mudroom, right above Hayes’ head and a relatively easy spot for Hayes. On. Any. Other. Day. Yesterday, however, he forgot what up was, what keys were, what pants were and what bring is. If he could have understood a couple of those, we probably could have gotten him to get us the keys through the mail slot.

Instead, it went something like this:

“Hayes! Get the keys!”
“ouh?”
“Hayes, look up!”
“Go outside?”
“Hayes, yes, go outside. Turn the knob”
He wiggles the knob.
“Go outside?”
“Hayes, turn around and look up.”
“ouh?”
“Hayes get the keys”
“TC?” Hayes attacks the cat (TC) who proceeds to bite him. Hayes laughs.
“Hayes, get moma’s pants!” Jen’s pants also have keys in them and are on the mudroom floor.
“Ou?”
And on. And on.
This continued for what seemed like 17 hours until Hayes got bored and left. Jen tried to coax him back, but a quick decision had to be made. As they say with toddlers, “Out of site, into trouble.” Actually, I just made that saying up, but they should say it. Thats when the hammer came out and the glass on the door went “bye-bye.” I reached through the hole in the glass, opened the door and sprinted to find Hayes. Not in the kitchen. I run into the family room and there’s Hayes playing with legos.
“Go outside?” Yah, maybe later.

July 27, 2006

I know, not at all kid related, but a recent Bravo top 100 best comedies was s0, so s0 wrong (Shrek? Top 10? Wha? Meet the Fockers? Better than Meet the Family? That’s just crazy talk.), I thought I should take a quick stab at it — but with a caveat: it’s gonna be movies released in my lifetime. Then, for fun, I’ll compile a list of the top ten worst comedies, cuz, you know, I’m good like that.

Top Ten Best Comedies
10. Top Secret! “And I’ll miss you most of all scarecrow”
9. Beetlejuice “We’ve come for your daughter, Chuck.”
8. Office Space “I don’t like my job, and, uh, I don’t think I’m gonna go anymore. ”
7. Vacation “Good talk Russ”
6. The Big Lebowsky “I’m the dude, dude.”
5. Rushmore “Oh that’s great. I wrote a hit play and directed it, so I’m not sweating it either. ”
4. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off “Ferris Bueller, you’re my hero”
3. Caddyshack “How about a Fresca?”
2. Animal House “Did we quit when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor!?”
1. Better Off Dead “Go that way really fast, if something gets in your way… turn.”

Yah, I know, that dark horse at number 1. What do you think? I think I’m gonna do the top 10 worst tomorrow.

July 24, 2006

You know when something happens and it’s really funny? I mean really funny. And after — even during — it you think to yourself, man I really shouldn’t be laughing at this?

Well, that something happened Hayes in the guise of Trader Joes Wasabi Crackers. He loves crackers, and when he saw my dad eating them, he immediately wanted one. We tried to talk him out of it, but he was insistent. So, with hesitation, we gave him one. He stuck it in his mouth, took a bite, smiled, then almost immediately looked confused, put his hand and his mouth and pulled it out. He studied it.

“Hot?” he asked?

“Yah,” I said. I figured he was done with it. Instead, he stuck it back in his mouth and started to chew again.

‘Hot” he yelled and burst into tears, quickly grabbing the food out of his mouth with his hand.

I know, I feel bad about it. It’s just really funny. Whenever I think of him crying about that, I start to chuckle. Am I a bad parent? Don’t answer that.

July 21, 2006

Hayes has always been facinated by the phone. In fact, I never realized how much we used the phone until Hayes started to mimick us as one of the first “big boy” things he ever did. “Hello” was his third or fourth word, largely because that’s what he heard us say when we answered the phone.

Still, the actual functions of the phone alluded him. If you were to hand him the phone with someone on the other end, he’d invariable look confused, then mash the keys or put the unit in his mouth. More recently, he’s taken to saying “Da-da” whenever the phone rings, then, if given the phone says “Bye-bye dada” and mashes the keys until it hangs up or makes the person on the othen and hang up.

Within the past week, as Hayes approached the year and a half mark (tomorrow!), he has started to get it. Now when he sees the phone, he yells “Ma-ma! Maaaa-ma!” and makes me call her. Then he listens — actually listens — to Jen talk and responds to what she says “Uh-hu” “Jess”(yes) and then says “Bye’bye Ma ma” and smiles as I take the phone.

Today, Jen’s day from home, Hayes and I were in the bedroom as Jen got ready and Hayes picked up our only land-line phone, put it correctly to his ear and began yelling “Ma-ma!” Yup, the phone is starting to make sense.

July 17, 2006

Hayes has yet to have ice cream. Yes, we’ve been holding out on our son, but we’re doing so to make the experience more memorable for everyone involved. We’re going to Vermont in 3 weeks, and we’re going to Ben & Jerry’s in Waterburry for that first cone.

Now, my first cone was in Stowe, well before Ben & Jerry’s was big enough to warrant a factory. The story goes that I was tentative at first of this cold vanilla conconction, but as soon as I had my first taste I gobbled it up like a kid who’s trying ice cream for the first time. (Ok, lame, I know.)

Anyway, dear reader, we don’t know what type of ice cream Hayes should have for his maiden voyage? Should it be as vanilla as, say… vanilla (Lame again. But keep in mind this kid rates among his favorite foods olives, blue cheese and smoked oysters) or something more like New York Super Fudge Chunk® Ice Cream? We just don’t know.

So, I ask you for help. Please check out Ben & Jerry’s website for flavors and let me know what you think his first taste should be. Also, yes, he is under 2, but no, nuts are not off limits — he loves nuts. Finally, this is in no way associated with Ben & Jerry’s, but, if you’re from Ben & Jerry’s and want to talk, I’m game!

Ok — what flavor should it be?

July 13, 2006

…completely different — Kermit on the Daily Show.

Saw this when it ran and thought it was lost forever. This is the funniest interview I have ever seen. Thanks youtube!